Edward's Clorox Experience
by Depp Addict
Summary: Some fun innuendo's from the Twilight Lexicon come together in a wild out of control story for Edward and the Cullens! REVIEW PLEASE.. reated just in case..and a possible chapter 3 is coming fast! If you want to laugh... this is the story for you!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: This story could not have been possible with the gutter minds of my friends at Team Edward… there are way to many to name.. but you know who you are! Also thanks to the lex for all these… interesting ideas!

**Disclaimer**: I do not own any characters/innuendo's mentioned they all belong to the Twilight Lexicon or Stephenie Meyer.

'Bella, can you pass me the clorox!' Edward called down from his room

'Clorox? Are you cleaning your cd's again Edward?' Bella said tossing him the bottle

'Um, something like that.' Edward said spraying it on his hand and rubbing them

'Are you alright Edward?' Bella asked staring at his now soaked hands

'I was fine… until I had a talk with Jasper and Emmett.'

'What did you talk about?'

'Oh, you really don't want to know.' Edward said

'Yes I do.' Bella replied leaning into a passionate kiss from Edward

'Fine, but you should keep the Clorox near you just incase!'

Earlier that night:

'Hahaha! Jasper that's awesome!' Emmett laughed on the couch

'Jasper I heard that!' Edward said walking towards his brothers

'Aww come on Edward, it's only us guys!'

'Yea, you two and Carlisle. What an entertaining conversation that will be!' Emmett said 'I mean, Bella hasn't even seen any lollipops yet!' he snickered

'So that's what you were talking about.' Carlisle said strolling into the room

'Wait… how do you know about that?' Edward questioned as Carlisle sat down next to him

'Oh you learn quite a bit in the hospital, with all those female nurses squealing.' Carlisle replied 'I mean, I bet you guys have never heard of a banana!'

'Banana? I thought that was a fruit.' Edward questioned.

'Ahh, I forgot about Edward's virgin ears.' Jasper replied

'Shut up Jasper" Edward scolded as he kicked Jasper with his foot. 'Well, I heard people thinking about bananas but I never thought they meant that! Wow… forks has such a gutter mind!'

'Oh, you don't know the half of it! I mean, I used to think it was so cute when Esme talked about us baking together…but, well, now that we actually did that… I'm extremely happy she told me about it.' Carlisle replied

'Carlisle stop! I don't want to have to picture my father baking with my mother! Aw, you made me think about it!' Emmett snickered

'Emmett! I can hear you thinking about how Rose must be a better cookie baker then Esme and It's grossing me out!' Edward yelled

'Rose over my darling? No way Emmett!' Carlisle smirked

'Well, Alice could blow you both out of the closet….literally. Jasper said smiling

'Is this what you guys do while I'm with Bella?'

'Uh, yea basically…we even had some er.. spoodurance trials.' Emmett grinned

'Don't remind me!' Carlisle said rolling his eyes

'Spoo….durance?' Edward asked puzzled 'Oh god Jasper that is sickly!'

'Hey, it's not our fault you're a novice in that area!' winked Emmett

'Not this again.' Edward mumbled

'So Carlisle… did you bring home any cupcakes yesterday?' Jasper asked practically bursting with laughter

'Cupcakes?' Edward asked

'Yea, the girls at the hospital made me er… a Carlisle cupcake…'

'Jasper, don't you mean help make these delicious cupcakes?' Emmett said busting out with laughter

'That was only once! And I didn't know!' Carlisle defended

'CARLISLE! HOW COULD YOU LET THEM DO THAT?!' Edward gaped

'Edward, I didn't know I had such, um, interesting fans.'

'Yea right Carlisle... if you were a human you would be blushing!' Edward said

'Oh, this will be a classic gunslinger moment!' Emmett said sitting up in anticipation

'Well, then Mr. Edward…. what about your lollipops…. if you have any?' asked Carlisle 'I mean, Jasper told me about your… needs, and you told Bella no when she asked you….'

'I do to have lollipops!! I even named them!! Boo-Boo and Ben Dover!' Edward said

'Yea right, I bet they're those tiny dum-dum lollipops… now we on the other hand have those big rainbow ones!' Jasper said grinning

'And how would you know Jasper.' Edward said 'Do you look?'

'Well, considering that they painted my lollipops with GLOW PAINT while it was um…. bulging… I think they have some pretty good sources.' Carlisle said glaring at Emmett and Jasper.

'Aww come one! Esme thought that one was hilarious!' Emmett managed to say between fits of laughter.

'Oh yea… well Rose thought your stripper pole and um… choice of undergarments was also hilarious!' Carlisle replied

'Haha! I remember pinky... the bra!' Jasper smirked at a stone faced Emmett. 'And that reminds me Carlisle… how does your red speedo fit?'

'Don't remind me.' Carlisle replied

'Guys we're home!' called Alice

'Finally, some decent conversation!' Edward said.

'We bought some doughnuts for Bella tomorrow, they were on sale!' Esme replied

'Oh god.' Edward said as the three men cracked up with laughter

'Okay… we'll be good now… sex Edward' Jasper managed to say

'Ugh, this is humiliating.' Edward said 'I'm leaving…'

'Oh, Edward... you might want to wash your hands after sitting on that couch.' Emmett said

'Uh why?'

'Well, Rose was having a little tennis match with me and—'

'THAT'S ALL I WANT TO KNOW! IM LEAVING TO GET BELLA!' Edward said as he stormed out of the house. 'I HEARD THAT EMMETT…EWW!

'What's wrong with Edward?' Esme asked sitting next to the doctor

'Oh, he was just, um, missing Bella a little too much.'

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

'So that's the story of why I'm Cloroxing my hands.' Edward said to Bella.

'EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN! That is just plain nasty!' Bella shrieked

'I warned you… ' Edward grinned

'So… is it true about your er… friends?' Bella said

'Not you too Bella!' Edward said rolling his eyes.


	2. The Lunch Ladies Pudding

**A/N**: This next chapter was co-written with my Team Edward friend Twilightvampire17! Thanks so much TV17 and Team Edward for this… interesting new chapter, I couldn't have done this without you…and chapter 3 is on the way!

**Disclaimer**: I wish…wink wink.

'Bella, come on let's go eat, I can hear your stomach growling!' Edward said

'No way Edward, your clorox story last night scared me for life!' Bella replied

'I warned you about the story'

'It was just so...so...wrong!' Bella shrieked

'Okay, I bet they're serving pizza today... nice...safe...pizza' Edward beamed, staring into Bella's eyes

'Fine, but do you always have to win our arguments?'

'Yes, yes I do.' Edward said taking Bella's arm and leading her into the cafeteria...

While Edward and Bella where talking, the Lunch ladies decided, to alter the pizza sauce, with something odd they found in a jar sitting on the counter.

"Well ladies, looky what I found!" said Lunch Lady Meg

"Well what is it Meg?" Lunch Lady Taylor asked.

'I'm not sure taste it!" Meg told her,

Lunch lady Taylor, gets up enough courage to try it, she walks over to Meg, and lifts the spoon up to her month.

'Wow!' she exclaims. 'This tastes like what we put in those cupcakes for Dr. Cullen!'

'I know, let's put it in the pizza sauce for today!'

'Edward what's wrong? You keep staring at those lunch ladies.' Bella replied sitting down with her pizza

'Oh it's nothing, they're just having an er… interesting conversation.' Edward replied grinning

'Edward you wouldn't!' Alice said

'Wouldn't what?' Bella said while Edward gave Alice a nasty look

'Umm, he was going to make the lunch ladies give you banana pudding!' Alice said quickly

'Uh, yea... do you want some banana pudding Bella?' Edward asked smiling

'No way Edward! I'll stick to my pizza.' Bella said taking a bit while Edward was stifling back laughter.

'Oh did you hear that Meg? Edward wants pudding! We should make him some with that goo, and that peanut butter from Jake's dogs...I mean that Jake boy!' Lunch lady Taylor said.

Edward was to busy watching Bella dig into her pizza then hear what the lunch ladies were now thinking and there new discussion.

"Edward Cullen, tell me what are you laughing about!" Bella exclaimed, with her mouth full.

This only made him laugh harder and louder,

Alice, was giggling to herself.

Edwards laughter, was interrupted my lunch lady Meg and Taylor.

Meg was holding a bowl of banana pudding, with lots of whipped cream.

"We made this just for you Edward." Meg told him while placing the bowl in front of him.

Alice was beyond, giggling now for she new what was coming next.

Edward would have to eat the specially made pudding so in order to remain in school. So he did the polite thing, he dug in.

"Wonderful', he said, with a mouthful of pudding he to his surprise enjoyed.

Alice was in still so giggly she asked him in her mind,

"You like it so much, are you even going, to, get rid of it later?"

'Funny Alice… you should try some… it tastes so good!' Edward replied.

'I'm so glad you like it darling!' Lunch lady Taylor squealed 'We really should give the compliments to the Jake boy!'

'WHAT?!?' Edward said spitting out the delicious pudding.

'Oh yea, he gave us this jar...see.' Lunch Lady Meg said holding up a jar with a piece of tape across it that read Jake's dog: Jack Meoff.

'Well, enjoy the pudding!' The ladies said giggling and walking away.

Alice could not contain herself anymore... she burst out laughing followed by Bella.

'Wow, Edward... you know that goo sort of looks like the pizza...sauce...oh my god! EWWW!!' Bella shrieked throwing away her pizza.

Suddenly Edward started to eat his pudding again.

'Edward... do you know what's in that!?' Bella yelled

'Yes, I do... but it's so good!' Edward said with pudding dripping from his mouth

'Alice... please pass me the Clorox.' Bella sighed


End file.
